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Feeling Myself

You know how people talk about ‘Big Dick Energy. I understand it.

It’s unshakeable confidence with an IDGAF attitude& last weekend, I was feeling myself.

I don’t post body pictures but I am learning to love my body in all its stages. For the first time in a while, I felt beautiful. I felt confident. I felt sexy. I felt alive…I felt free.

I utilized all that BDE I had found and posted a photo on my personal Instagram as documentation that on this day, I loved myself.

That’s it. That’s all.

But, I am a woman, so the judgement rolled in.

"She's a mother!"
“Her family had to see that!”
“Isn’t she getting too old to do that?”
“Who does she think she is?”
“I would never let my daughter!”
“She’s just lonely”
“She just wants the attention”

I wasn’t at all surprised when my DMs exploded with men who believed this photo of my ass acted as consent. These messages demanded I provide sexual favours,

I was sent photos of penises and received messages that described in great detail, the fantasies these men felt entitled to....

Maybe, I was “asking for it”. Maybe I shouldn’t have posted it in the first place or “should have known better”.

As a kid, I was told that boys throw rocks at girls they like, even though it hurt, I played by those rules.

When my body filled out, I was told to cover up so boys wouldn’t get the wrong idea.

I was taught to yell “Fire” instead of 'Help" and to approach a woman with a child if I was ever in danger. I learned to protect myself using self-defence techniques, in case a man grabbed me and I knew how to tell if a drink was spiked.

But I was also taught to say thank you when complimented, even if the comment made me uncomfortable. I was told I should “be honoured” when older men would flirt or catcall me. and to just "shrug it off" when a man grabbed my ass. After all, no harm no foul, right?

I was taught to be scared of men but to indulge in the fantasy, even as they described what they'd to do to me. When my skin crawled because of the man cupping my ass, I was told to excuse him.

“He was drunk, he didn’t mean it”

Women are taught to tolerate the behaviour of men or risk becoming a statistic, a photo on the back of a milk carton or worse….

It’s “Not all men”, that’s what we’re told, right?

If that is true, then why was I faced with retaliation when I denied, ignored or blocked these men? Instead, I was faced with retaliation. I was called a bitch. A whore. A slut. A cunt. They hurled insults about my appearance, my parenting, my family, and even insulted my son. Some took the time to visit my blog to gather intel, they used my trauma against me. I was told to kill myself as my fiancé did. . I was told my son deserved better than a dirty used-up whore. I was told that I deserved

It’s not all men, but it’s enough of them.

I could have deleted the photo, I could have backed down, I could have been embarrassed & ashamed.

But I’m not any of those things.

I am a woman & I love myself. I am beautiful, hilarious, smart & creative.

My body isn’t perfect, it has stretched out to house a whole fucking human.

It survived when I thought it wouldn’t. It’s mended and repaired to be better than before.

So excuse me if I want to celebrate it without being harassed.


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